Struggles

Why hello old friend. It's been a while. I don't intend to "bring back" my blog, but I have something I need to say, and it seemed easier (and less obtrusive) to put it here instead of Facebook. :)

So to quote my friend Rheeny – “real talk”. I hate my body. I always have, and sometimes I’m afraid I always will. I’m not saying this to get sympathy but it’s the truth. I hate the size of my chest, of my flab, of my constant acne, even how my hair looks. I’ve always struggled with my body image, even from a young age, but I had gotten to a point where I had made a sort of peace with it. But this new phase of my life, all the new changes - marriage, moving, new job, new city - has thrown off any semblance of any “work-life” balance I used to have. Don’t get me wrong, being with Clarke is nothing short of a God thing and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But I’m struggling. I’m writing this to be transparent about it. Days like today is when I miss my old job, my old life, my friends, my trainer. Heck I even miss the 5 AM workout days. I hate the struggle of getting through my workday, of feeling off and gross and miserable, the early darkness, of always needing to think of meals, of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, hating how I look in clothes, of spending money to try to combat that, of feeling like a failure because I don’t want to do dishes or clean…wanting to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and sob.

This isn’t an everyday struggle, most days I’m fine. But I’ve been experiencing these darker moments more than I would prefer and I hate it. I have no reason to be this miserable, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m at that point.

I hate myself at this moment, hate my body and how I feel in it. I hate that I can eat pretty healthy during the day but completely plummet at night. How I feel there’s no way I’m eating that badly to continue gaining weight, but somehow the number on the scale says that I am.

You would think I would learn by now that the scale is my worst enemy. This life-long struggle of hating myself and my body makes the number on that device ten thousand times worse than it should be. I should get rid of it, but the fact is I feel miserable even without it, so in a way this little tangible number helps ground me – maybe it just keeps me in this cycle of misery but I also feel like it gives me a reason to try and change.

I wasn’t going to say anything, I was just going to try to just do better, but it’s not working. Putting my struggle on the internet seemed easier than having it run through my head over and over and over again. It feels like a way to put a little distance between myself and my thoughts. Because I’m feeling a bit lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore…which is probably not a new story, but hopefully just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t intend on sitting here and wallowing forever, but the truth is I’m struggling to be consistent. To finding a new workout routine, of finding meals I can just make and eat over and over again, because I’m burned out on most food. Honestly, if I could find a way to stop needing to eat ever again, I’d take that in a heartbeat. But I can’t, my body won’t allow it, so the struggle continues.

I’m not sure where I wanted to go with this – cause I’m not past this misery. I’m in the middle of it, but hopefully putting it out there, being transparent, will help me make peace with myself and help me push past this fog and make real tangible changes. It might not happen until after the holidays but maybe, just maybe, it’s the start I need.

I apologize for the LONG post, but sometimes you have to just put it out there and start fresh. If you got this far, you’re a saint for dealing with my melancholy. Soon I hope I can come back and say that’s better, that I’ve found my new normal, and that I found myself again. If you have any tips, I’m all ears. :)

Week 2

Okie doke people, here are the numbers for this week:

Monday - bought myself lunch because I forgot to grab something out of the fridge on my way out. 

Tuesday - breakfast smoothie because again, I had nothing to eat. And then I spent $13 to get the old shellac taken off because, let's be honest, it's faster and probably better to have someone do it for me than spending hours at home doing myself. 

Wednesday - another breakfast smoothie (which my trainer may not have approved of but I'm not allowed to eat my protein bars anymore ;)). Also another lunch (still haven't gone to the store) and a gift card for my co-worker's birthday - but let's be honest, she's more like my work-wife. 😁

Thursday - Groceries at Walgreens for breakfast (Greek yogurt and a shake), and some cashews for a snack. 

Friday - bought lunch for my co-worker for her birthday since we weren't able to go on her birthday due to a family emergency. Also some Star Trek stamps - I couldn't resist. 🖖🏻 and paid $30 to attend my church's fall retreat at the end of October (I couldn't go last year). 

Saturday - I'm not counting groceries because I consider them necessities, but I did pick up some new nail polish since mine has gotten thick and doesn't work as well anymore.

Sunday - After I finished meal prep, I realized I couldn't bring all my mom's Tupperware with me, so I ran out to grab some of my own, also a lunch bag and some coconut oil.

So far, not much difference in my purchases but let's keep going, shall we?

Week One

So, as it is apt to happen, pretty much the evening after I posted about my desire to stop spending money, that I discovered that I was out of at least 4 of my essentials - I should have known that would happen. Sometimes life's sense of humor is seriously irritating.

Without further ado, here's what I ended up buying this weekend:

Saturday - I had time to kill between dropping off my sister at a volunteer event and picking her back up, so I had to go pick up a couple of my essentials that I discovered I was actually needing - mascara and concealer. Granted, I used a gift card for that but I consider it buying what I didn't absolutely need. 

Then it was to the UPS store where I had to pay $1 for taping for a return I was mailing back - kind of a racket but they do know how to capitalize on a person's need.

After that it was stopping at Walgreens to pick up facial pads (more things I had just run out of - although I probably had some in one of the boxes I have yet to unpack but convenience trumps time I suppose).

Next it was some fast food from McDonalds - because I had been craving fries ALL AFTERNOON. 

Later that evening I had this intense desire for Starbucks (the fiend!). I had to refill my card because I was like $1.50 short of what it cost and it will only let you pay $10 at minimum *eye roll*. 

Oh and I had to purchase a new shirt because my favorite one ripped under the arms (which irritated me to no end) but I found one at a discount so with tax it was $20-ish.

I did make one other return so that alleviated my pain a little. 

Sunday - Lunch with my Sunday School group - I think I spent $8 on pizza and a drink. 

Actually, that was it - and a few of those things were almost-but-sorta-not-necessities. Maybe having to put it on here is actually going to work....but we'll see. ;)

Hello Again

Why hello the-one-person-who-will-read-this-post! It's been a while, but honestly there's only been a few things to talk about lately. I moved to a new apartment, cut my hair (shortest it's been since the end of high school), and officially have been at this job a little more than one year.

And even though it hasn't been incredibly exciting around here, work and life keep me busy. But I honestly only came here because I find if I put this on the internet, I'm more likely to keep with it (even though no one will probably read it).

Here's the thing. I've been spending way too much money lately, I feel like I'm hemorrhaging money. Some of it is for the necessities - rent, food, car payments, gas, you get the idea. But there have been other things, things I could live without. I had to buy a new pair of pants for work because my usual pair wouldn't stay up (the zipper would fall down even if I breathed too hard). And they were only $38, but after a point it just starts to add up. 

I just agreed to pay $50/session for a month for personal training, which I've been wanting for a while and I think it's worth it, given the wedding I'm in soon and just overall wanting to get serious about my fitness. But it's made me realize I need to cut down on other things if I want to do that.

It's hard to describe why I've been spending too much - it's almost like an itch. Plus add some gift cards from my birthday (which a few things have been purchased with but now I'm starting to feel overwhelmed) and I feel like I'm just looking for things to buy. 

So I need a refresh. Time to go back to the beginning and reset my brain a little. Which is why I'm here right now. I need some sort of "accountability" to keep myself from doing this - and jump start my blogging again I suppose. I want to come back every week (maybe every Sunday or Monday) and post what I bought/what I resisted. I'm sure the one-person-who-will-read-this will be oh so thrilled by my consumerism, but I'm starting to feel a little worn out (and not just from the 6 AM personal training session today that has left my legs feeling like jello). So bear with me a little, if you wouldn't mind.

Thanks one-person-who-reads-my-blog! I appreciate you humoring me some, at least until I feel like I've stopped this habit from getting worse.

Awkward & Awesome

Oh boy, it's been a while (I say that a lot, don't I?)....

Awkward

* Getting your ID gawked at because you don't look your age on your ID...not once, but TWICE at the same place. Yeah, I know, I look young but chilllll out... I will admit part of me enjoys it but it can get old sometimes (pun  intended).

* Basically getting followed around at said place because, oh look, you're the only ones in the store and they obviously have nothing else to do. Bonus for them, we ended up buying more than we planned - cause the up-sell is king....

* Wondering if your refillable bottle's lid would break if you dropped it - because it doesn't feel like glass - and then proceeding to do JUST THAT and discover that, yes, yes it will break. (I had to order a new bottle smh).

* Squirting your water enhancer right in your eyes - because it hit a piece of ice just right and of course that's where it just had to go.

* Going to the gym, lifting weights, doing 15 minutes on the stairclimber, deciding to go upstairs to finish on the treadmill, forgetting that your legs now weigh a ton and when you now attempt to run up the stairs, you totally lose your footing - in front of 2 guys who totally saw you. So what happens? You finish your run up the stairs like nothing had happened. (nice recovery, no?)

Awesome

* Basically the whole "living in Houston" thing was the right decision. Loving it all. Loving how the Lord made that work out.

* Things have been pretty normal recently. Getting into a groove at the new job, enjoying the 3 straight days per week of bible studies, heck, having friends even! It might be kind of boring but its nice to have a routine of your very own. No complaints I suppose.

As usual, more awkward things than awesome things to recount, but hey, that's just how life is, full of unexpected and yes, awkward things. And it's pretty great.

Awkward & Awesome Thursday

Wow. It's been a really long time since I've posted here, huh?

Life just has a tendency to get away from you when you least expect it. The days last forrrrrrrrrrever yet the months just speed by!

(On another note, how is it already the middle of August????)

Anyway this post might be lacking in Awkwards cause right now things are pretty good. Maybe next week (ha, if I remember to write then) I'll have some stuff to say. (We can try though)

Awkward

* Realizing I probably shouldn't be listening to Chopin's Nocturne for Piano in B Flat Minor Op. 9 No. 1 at 11:24 at night because I am feeling really sleepy...and I'm only 4 minutes into the song. (Its beautiful but now I'm tired - which is why I then skipped Op. 9 No. 2!)

* Tripping over your own feet. On carpet. When less than 2 steps ago you were walking just fine. D'oy.

* Realizing your pant leg (really. only one leg) is super long because the hem is completely undone. Like, I didn't know my pants had an extra 3 inches! Thankfully, staples to the rescue! (What, like you've never done that before? - side note: when you do that, if you can find a sharpie in the color of your outfit that you just stapled together [better if it's black] then you can color the staple and it'll conceal it better than just you sitting there with a giant piece of silver staring you at the face)

* Trying to park by a curb - that's curved. Trust me, you will look like an idiot because you WILL keep adjusting the tires.

Awesome

Now here's where the good stuff starts. *deep breath*

* I officially got a new job in Houston AND

* I moved down to Houston. LAST WEEKEND.

It's still like, super surreal.  I've only been talking about doing this for years and years and years. And then it all happened in like, 2 months. Amazing how God's plan just comes together with ease.

* Having two roommates that are in the same "life stage" as me (and who can enjoy both company and down time - okay some wine helps too) is really a blessing. Yes it's weird to share a bathroom again, but really, less than 1/16th of my life is spent in the bathroom - it's not a big deal - but having a place to just come home, chill if I want or don't, is a nice thing to have.

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT PLEASED ABOUT THE COCKROACH THAT'S CURRENTLY OCCUPYING MY ROOM

*AHEM*

* My job is insane (in the sense that it's super busy) but it's really nice to be with more people. Yes it's still the same type of work in a law firm but it's just BIGGER. There are actually people to see and talk to (and the lady sitting on the other side of the filing cabinet is a hoot and a half) and it's just a great atmosphere. I am so glad I did this.

It just goes to show you that sometimes you just have to wait for the Lord's timing. Cause when it's time...*BOOM!* it just happens!

* I'm super close to EVERYTHING now. You want to do something late at night? SURE I can come cause I only live 15-20 minutes away! And there are 4 grocery stores like in a 5 block radius! And a 24Hour Fitness! TWO OF THEM (although yeah, sure, one is farther away than the other). It's just awesome and it's still not real to me. It probably won't be for months.

But I'm excited about the future now. I feel like I maybe really am a grownup. Or at least, getting better at pretending to be a grown-up...we'll see. :)

Well, that should be a good enough recap of the last couple weeks. We'll see what happens next!

Ciao!

Awkward & Awesome Thursday

(You wouldn't believe how long it took to write that title! Guess I forgot how to do it!)

Anyyyyy-way.... I do believe I cannot remember the last time I wrote a post. Truly, that is the saddest thing I've heard myself say. BUT I might be able to pull some stuff out today so on we go!

Awkward

* Not remembering any to write down although I'm totally sure I have some....

* I took CR to Whataburger before bible study yesterday and ordered a burger only (no fries). Well, my order comes out and there are fries on my tray AND the receipt is right there - no fries. I tell him that I didn't order them. He just looks at me and says, 'oh well'.  I ask the guy to take them back because I didn't order them. He kind of stares me down and asks if I'm serious. I mean, yeah, I am, cause if you leave them there I will DEFINITELY eat them. So he takes them and gives them to an employee on duty.

But then, I start to wonder. The guy who took our order (not the same guy) was definitely* flirting...and ohmygosh was that supposed to be something more than an "accidental" addition of a side dish? Cause now I feel bad.

Of course, I could be delusional. That has been known to happen... (probably so).

Awesome

* GETTING A TAN. Well, it's more like a light burn but it's actually noticeable these days (to the point where I've had multiple comments on - which might be a bit sad too, but let's pretend it isn't).

* Having a weekend (or two) off. I know I'm coming across like a broken record to those who have heard this a million times already (I wish I could say that was an exaggeration...) but after, quite possibly, a month and a half of nonstop plans and my weeks being massively over-scheduled, I actually have 2 weekends in a row without plans (church on Sundays don't count). For me, the such-a-mega-introvert-that-it-borders-on-insane person, it's like a dream come true. 

Don't get me wrong, I love that I actually have PEOPLE TO DO STUFF WITH and I do truly like having plans.... but after a while I get worn out. It'll be nice to have a lazy Saturday (or two) to recharge until I have plans again (at the end of the month).

* I know I just said I was looking forward to time off, but this doesn't count, cause I'm really looking forward to a girls night with some of the ladies from the church group on Friday! True, I'm not "alone" but I do prefer small groups over large events (although this last one was great) so I'm excited to have some chill time. It's nice to have a group of girls I really enjoy spending time with and you can't go wrong with some downtime at the pool (and the hot tub!)

* The Singles Group Surfside Trip last weekend was AMAZING. It was definitely more relaxed and we were RIGHT on the beach. The weather was beautiful and the water was pretty nice (even for the Gulf!) and we got to take walks on the beach (and a nap). It was a great way to end my month of weekend plans. (What did I tell ya, broken record over here...)

Hey, look-y here. I *sorta* have a post! Whooooooop.

Anyway, I'll try to remember to write down more "A&A" things so I can actually justify having this little old blog...

Ciao!

*Also known as, I'm terrible recognizing flirtation. It's true. Poor guy...

Awkward & Awesome

Well. You'd think after not posting for a couple weeks that I would have more content to put here. Cause honestly, not a whole lot is coming to mind. But here's what I got...

Awkward

* Daylight Savings. For some reason this time change is *really* kicking my butt this year. I can't seem to make myself go to sleep before 12-1 AM but during the day I'm ridiculously tired and even around 8-10 I'm kind of drowsy. I mean, it's not like I've had a whole lot of energy before but this is ridiculous. Each year the time change gets more and more difficult to handle. Man, being an adult sucks.

* Physical therapy. Now don't get me wrong, it's a good thing to do. Especially me with the headaches and the muscle spasms in my neck and shoulders. But doing stuff like "wall shrugs" (which is pretty much what it sounds like) and laying on a table while someone puts my head in a football hold and PULLS is kind of...awkward. I mean, what do I do with myself while my neck is being yanked (nicely of course)? I'm just looking a wall here, trying not to make things any more weird than it already is...you know? thank goodness for small practices and early morning sessions when almost no one else is around.

Awesome

* Making plans to go see 2 concerts (so far) this year. I used to never go now I get all excited about the idea.

* Getting to go to Dallas this weekend...by myself. *insert excited squeal*. It's been almost forever since I've had a weekend to myself with no plans except chill. Sleeping late, going to movies, trying out new places to eat..basically, whatever I want. After weeks and weeks of what feels like non-stop action, it's just what I need.

* But hey, I'm not making the 4 hour jaunt for the heck of it. One my FAVORITE musicians, Eric Hutchinson, is the main attraction at the Rock 'n Roll Marathon being held in Dallas this weekend. It's a free concert and I'd go to all of this guy's concerts if I could (am I getting stalker-y here? I feel like I'm getting there)...but I'm super super excited. Definitely recommend looking up his music, especially if you like the toe-tapping variety.

Doesn't hurt that I think he's pretty cute (in a nerdy type way)...*no shame*

But yeah, I'm looking forward to having time to just RELAX

* Also a perk of road trips...audio books. I feel like my 15-20 commute to and from work is fine but not really enough time to get into a groove of the book. With a 6-to-8 hour commute (total), I get to start and finish a whole book at once. Now that makes me excited.

Well I'm sure if I sat here and thought I'd come up with other things but I'm tired and I'm seriously going to try and go to bed earlier than I have been. Because sleep sounds REAL good right now... :)

Ciao!

Awkward & Awesome

awkward

* getting called daphne on the phone. well, it's not really awkward per se, but mostly funny. well, at least it's a new one

* walking past some windows after dropping off a fedex package and seeing a guy starting at me. yes at least i smiled back. least i could do is remind him of how awkward he was.

* going to see my doctor yesterday and he was mentioning that i needed to schedule some massages for my shoulder stiffness and was wondering if i had someone to help me with that, like a "significant other", because, and i quote, "young people shouldn't be single" (it might not be a direct quote, but that's the idea there). 

it just made me laugh a little. and mention that there wasn't anyone like that, and that i'd get just my mom to help me out. still more awkward. 

okay okay... i get the picture... *insert awkward crying face emoji here*

awesome

* should i make this an awkward if there's nothing to put here? cause i can't think of anything. doesn't mean it was a bad week, just nothing special.

anyway, that's all i got.

ciao!

Awkward & Awesome

Awkward

* Not being able to think of a single thing to write. 

That's a lie. 

* Being dumped over something melodramatic

Awesome

* My favorite shows coming back (Rizzoli & Isles and Perception).

* Posting this anyway. 

*Boom*

Awkward & Awesome....and Aggravating??

Better get this puppy out before I lose steam...

Awkward

* Swiping a car when pulling into a parking lot space. Yes I saw him and even slowed down but there you have it. I've busted myself doing this before yet there I was.

Add to nearly/almost doing it to another car tonight, you'd think I'd start to pay attention. 

You'd be right.

* A chin spasm. In one spot only. Both awkward and annoying. Then again, all spasms are annoying.

* Checking out some groceries (self-checkout, obviously) after the gym and I had two sets. One for my parents and one smaller one for me. I was trying to check out some lettuce and the barcode wasn't easily scannable. So I was trying to find a code for it when all of a sudden someone spoke behind me. The cashier was behind me telling me the code for the lettuce. Without warning. So yeah, that was weird.

* Also, the same cashier suddenly came up behind me as I was about to check out my things and started taking them away. Um, sir, those are mine. I'm planning on purchasing them. Kthanks.

Awesome

* On the other hand, on Monday I was also at the store (I go often) and the guy helping me out was asking interesting questions. Like, what would I do if I won the lottery. Where I'd go specifically. Also, would I come back to the U.S. (that one was a new one). It's fun when someone makes something so mundane a little bit more fun.

* Getting a text today from the person who I swiped in the parking lot (see above) saying they can't find any damage and not to worry about it. I definitely got lucky this time.

Awkward or Awesome? (I haven't decided yet...)

A client today said I looked like Kristen Stewart. Yeah, the Twilight actress. Then they asked me if I'd talked to Edward lately. Ummmm....no? I don't know what it was, only that that was a new one. Haven't had that comparison before.

Aggravating

* People standing in the middle of the grocery aisle, apparently clueless to the people around them. And then I'm a jerk for asking you to move....no win situation.

* Also, people taking up a whole lot of room at the gym for absolutely no good reason. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHARE, OKAY? *grrrr*

Anyway, that's just something new I'm throwing up there - something that's always irritated me...

Anyway..............

Ciao!

Awkward & Awesome....Friday

I don't know what to write here considering this will be 2 weeks in a row that I've posted an A&A...

Bahahaha, that didn't happen as planned! Well....let's do this Friday style!

Awkward

* When your doctor asks if you're pregnant and when you say 'no', he continues to talk as if he's not convinced. Then you have to repeat that yes, you're sure that there's *no* way....oh good that worked. *headdesk*

 * Prescriptions & insurance. I've had to call my insurance company twice about medications that aren't "covered"...both times to find that they ARE covered but one is now only $250 instead of $350 and the other one is covered once I've tried other medications first (basically they won't cover it unless I can show that nothing else works).

* Having to talk to your doctors to get them to understand what's going on and "other options". Now, I don't have any thoughts about thinking that I know more than you do, but when my insurance won't cover a medication you've prescribed for me, I have to see what my options are. Nothing personal! (side note - Rabia [I know you read this] - I didn't mean for this to become a dr. post but there you have it! In case I haven't mentioned it before - I'm super impressed that you're becoming one! <3)

Awesome

* Ketogenic Earl Grey tea with SF vanilla syrup (and a hint of splenda). Perfect for an overcast chilly Friday (since Fridays are Starbucks coffee days after all)... 

* A plan for headaches. Yeah, having them isn't *awesome* but finding a doctor who wants to give anything and everything a try, is! It's also nice to have a plan.

* INDOOR TRAMPOLINE PARK! The C&C group is having our monthly "event" tonight and we're mixing it up with a trampoline park night. I've never done one of these before but I'm super excited about it.

* Busy weekends. I have so many social activities planned for this weekend! I'm sure by the end of it I'm going to be a nasty old grump but honestly it's worth it. Especially having hours and hours to explore my hometown between activities. Can't ask for more than that!

One of these days I'll actually have interesting things to talk about! I always look back on these and am so not impressed with myself, but I like writing them. Oh well!

Ciao!

Awkward & Awesome

I think I deserve a round of applause here for not only FINISHING (let's hope) this post but also STARTING it 2 days beforehand!

Yeah, I'll wait....

Okay, back to it then.

Awkward

* Headaches. Yes, I'm putting them on this list because it's getting embarrassing how many Exedrin pills I take or how much diet coke I consume because sometimes it's the only thing that helps. I know it's not good for me, but it's pretty much stress or tension headaches that start in my neck. But other than quitting my job and becoming a hermit on the beach, there's not a whole lot I can think of to do that's also not super expensive (like chiropractors or massages). And I don't really want to smell of weird things (but I know they help other people so more power to them) but I'm at a loss as to what to do here.

* I got a thumbs up from a random guy as I was leaving for work this morning. Why? I couldn't begin to say. Maybe I had something on my face....

* One moment I'm sure it's only Tuesday and the next I'm confused when someone says they won't be coming into work tomorrow, because hey, tomorrow's Saturday. This has been a REALLY weird week.

* Having to ask if something is "going to happen" then having to explain that I wasn't asking for anything more than a "yes" or "no". Now I feel like a psycho and a jerk. IT'S A REASONABLE QUESTION PEOPLE!!

Awesome

* New books. I read an article about the latest books that are being turned into movies so I ordered like 6 of them from the library (yes I still have library cards). Read one already and am in the middle of another and I'm excited (nerdily so) to see these movies. Even though I know that they're not usually as good as the novel I still prefer to read the books before I see the movies. Call me a bookworm but I'm fine with that.

* My new church. It's been so wonderful to find a community of believers who are also in my stage of life and my age range and who I can relate to as well (this is the 20s Sunday School class). I still kind of stick out like a sore thumb but they're super inviting and warm people and I'm glad Lori (hi there!) convinced me to try it out. Yes, it's an hour long drive total (there and back) but it's definitely been worth it all. Trying to convince HL to go too.

* Tomorrow is Friday and I have no plans for the evening or Saturday (hehe not anymore!). It's a miracle and amazing because next weekend is going to be PACKED with fun things that will totally wear me out. In the very best of ways of course. :D

That's all I really got this time.

Ciao!

Tuesday Five

Whaaaaa? 

* Started a new bible study with the girls from the church's Sunday school. Unfortunately the books we're going to go through didn't come so we played a game instead. Which was pretty hilarious. Definitely a diverse group of girls but I'm hoping I'll be able to attend every week. The only (well the two) issue is that it's an hour from my work IN rush hour traffic AND baseball starts soon and I might be needed to run boys to and from practice or training, etc. But considering I don't have a lot of "girl friends" I'm hoping to use this weekly study to grow some relationships with other girls my own age and "stage of life" (as we call it).

* I had ordered some bronzing tint from a skincare company to maybe help improve my "deathly" pale stems and the company included some "samples". And guess what those are? Lemongrass oil - for cellulite, a firming mask, day cream, and neck and décolleté cream. Which are probably more suited for women that are like....10-20 years OLDER than me? Right?? Who knew bronzing tint equals old? Not that I won't use them since I know it's important to work on that stuff NOW rather than later, but it amused me to see what they included.

* I am really excited about that bronzing tint. I have terrible luck with self-tanners but this one you mix with moisturizer so maybe it'll help me kill two birds with one stone - some color AND moisturizing. Fingers are crossed!

* I've committed to making dinner every week for the family to help contribute to things since I spend so much time over there. Right now the only thing I'm planning on is tacos (since our family LOVES them) but I know soon I'm going to want to do something ELSE. But what to make for somewhat picky-eating teenagers? I'm stumped. Any suggestions that are also quick (since I'm making dinner on Wednesday, when I have bible study like 2 hours after I get home) would be appreciated!

* Last summer I told a friend that I was going to text him every day until he got back (just his name), which I actually proceeded to do for around 2 months. Anyway, he gets home and I'm wondering if we should continue (since, you know, he was back) and he says sure AND since he's a senior in college that maybe I could come up with "adult life" tips. So sure, I can try. Well, so far so good. Only missed one day (because I was totally blanking on what to say) and I'm trying to use "tips" that have some relevance to something that has happened to me. Like, the tip about giving yourself extra time when you're driving to a place you haven't been, which had happened to me the day before.

Well, he says that somehow nearly every day my "tips" (and some have been really silly) has been actually applicable to him as well. Which is hilarious to me because goodness knows I'm not trying. Maybe it's God way to use me to minister to a friend who I greatly admire who's about to graduate college and be in the "real world", even when I'm being silly. Who knows, but it's been a lot of fun trying to think stuff up.

Well well well. I actually got this done ON TIME and ON THE RIGHT DATE. It's a January miracle (eh, we'll go with that). Let's see if I can post tomorrow AND Thursday?! (although let's be honest, you only come here for A&A Thursdays...it's okay, I would totally do that too.) :D

Ciao!

P.S. I don't know what happened with all the quotes, but heck, it's a "theme", so we'll let it slide.... (I see what I did there...)

Awkward & Awesome Thursday

Whoooo! Take no. 18838018508793587 at trying to be slightly more consistent with posting...

Awkward

* Being consistent. No really. I feel like every couple of weeks I post something and promise that I'm going to get more consistent with posting and then........nada. It's embarrassing.

* Also awkward, never being able to spell "embarrassing" correctly the first 3 tries...

* Car tires. The ones on my vehicle were getting really close to be completely bald (wore down the treads) so the other day my mom took my car to get some good-quality used tires to replace mine. My lease is up soon and I should be able to trade it in sometime in the next 5 months so there was no need to get brand "new" tires, yes? So that went fine, picked up my car, took it downtown for a church thing, and then Tuesday morning I get notice that my front right tire is low on air. I mean, c'mon I just replaced it! But I figured maybe it was just one of those things, so sure, I'll work on it later (ended up being late to work because of a major accident so I was just going to do it after lunch).

WELL. Lo and behold, when I get in my car later that afternoon, I realized my car was leaning to the front right. No big deal, right? WELL. I get out and there you have it. My tire is completely FLAT. Squished. So I limped along to a gas station (with an air pressure gauge that actually worked) to air it up. Realized I could hear air whistling from the tire. Bent down to try to find the hole when WHOOSH. Blasted in the head with hot air.

That's when I realized...that there was an actual gash in my tire. Like, the dam in the Netherlands story type hole. Tried covering it up with my hand so I could air it up enough to get it to a tire store but nope, not happening. 

Thank goodness a tow truck arrived. Then I decided I should probably try to contact my roadside assistance people to get my car towed to the place where I got the used tires. Was told that that would be something I would pay out of pocket, like $120. Well that's useless (what's the point of this service if twice now they've done nothing but waste my time???) so I called the guy who stopped earlier who had decided to just sit around the corner.

Another complication is that I needed a flatbed tow. Thankfully one was just down the street. The guy from before called the flatbed operator and thank goodness there was a NTB literally across the highway. So they towed my car to the tire store where I was told that I probably had 2 gashes in the tire. Not in part of the tire that is on the road, mind you, but the side. Which doesn't hit the road when driving. Well, great.

So, long story long, I had to purchase a brand "new" tire, have them rotate the tires so the new one would be on the back, and wait 30 minutes for it to be done. 

Bright side of this, the people who put on the "used" tires gave me $75 for the problem they caused. Bad news, I still paid a pretty penny for this experience, including the tow truck. 

Thank goodness for emergency funds, yes? But so far so good. My tires seem to be holding up. Let's see if this continues until June when I can finally turn it in...

* That story. Man. Talk about long!

* Realizing that you stick yourself in the same problems over and over again. Like, I thought I was more prepared to be a stickler for the rules, you know? Yet, here I am, faced with the question of "what to do?" I've got to figure out how I keep getting stuck in this loop and stop it. Otherwise, I'm going to be running myself into the ground in no time. Not good.

* HOW IS IT ONLY THURSDAY? (well, Wednesday when I started this post!)

Awesome

* Being able to take care of myself when the tire issue arose. Also, well, this wasn't a major deal, but also having the foresight to prepare for something like this, monetarily. Saving extra funds like Christmas money or tax returns does come in handy sometimes.

* Realizing that I just need to wear eyeliner and being okay with it. Would like to be a "oh look, ma, no makeup" type female but the truth is, my eyes disappear when I don't wear any. And I don't think that's attractive. Oh and I should really just stop trying to wear any nail color other than black. It's just not the same otherwise.

* Family. 

Well, that was lame. Oh well.

Ciao!

Awkward & Awesome Thursday

Awkward

* Having to admit that you might be more than slightly burned out. By everything.

* Constantly banging into things. My knee is sore and I have a bit of a bruise on my leg from where I scratched it on...something. I am one of those females with "unexplained bruising" problems (from being clumsy mind you).

Awesome

* Having the barista at Starbucks ask if my coffee order (with heavy whipping cream) is ketogenic. Don't know why it pleased me but it was fun to have a conversation (albeit a short one) with someone about it - and who knows about it! Keto diets aren't well known I find.

* Spying an article in said Starbucks on someone's computer (promise I wasn't eavesdropping) about a Time Magazine article about the change in opinion about fat - especially since keto is a high fat diet!

* Coffee. I'm sorry, but it is (the frou-frou stuff that is).

* Using a phrase like parenthetical insertion in a conversation in bible study and have it be entirely accurate.

* Having grammatical discussions about the differences between who and that and which while at a baseball game. Its awesome because I actually think I get it. Being cold apparently is conducive to learning about complicated English grammar rules....

Why Not Wednesday

Let's just jump into this, why don't we?

* Why not.. start a "Why Not Wednesday" post at 11:45 at night?

* Why not...love your new phone but still think it's a bit stinking big?

* Why not...also love that you have wayyy more memory than before?

* Why not...take advantage of the 70 degree weather to wear some shorts before it just gets too cold?

* Why not...admit that tomorrow might take a lot of coffee and a whole lot more patience? Call it just a feeling...

* Why not...admit that I've still got a huge crush on Matthew Gray Gubler? It's so nerdy but I can't help it. :D

Awkward & Awesome

It's just been one of those weeks.

Awkward

* Can I say work was awkward? Okay good, cause...it was. It's just been one of those weeks where my pride has been struck down and I've been forced to re-evaluate my behavior. It's a good thing, although it sucks sometimes.

* Same goes for personal life. Some behaviors need to be refined. It's a work in progress.

* Losing my debit card. Actually, I didn't lose it but I didn't actually find it until I got home AND I had already canceled it. Which, you know, bummer, but hey I've been saying I need to spend less, so there you go. Bright side!

Awesome

It just...needs to be said...

* Black nail polish. I am. And always will be. A black nail polish girl. I can appreciate other colors. I can wish I liked the look. But I will always prefer a deep inky black polish to anything else.

* I ordered a new phone last week because, hey, I'm a techie girl, I can't help myself, but it's taking FOREVER. Finally shipped on Monday (or Tuesday) and I can't wait. So thankful to be able to do something like that for myself.

* The weather. It's finally FALL! Sure, it might be over tomorrow and either be super warm (laaaame) or freezing but right now, it's just perfect. You can't help but be excited about that.

* Reconnecting with your past. A good past. It's pretty great.

* Went to Oklahoma to see a ballet this past weekend. It was amazing. And I finally got to wear that designer dress I bought at a 50% sale too! It was really wonderful to get away for a weekend and experience a different city.

Sorry there's not much to say. I've pretty much covered everything.  Here's to a wonderful weekend!

Awkward & Awesome

sorry it's been a while. there was nothing to report actually. on with it then!

Awkward

* so I got my car stuck a foot (or so) in water last Thursday cause I tried to drive it through a ditch. yes I know. how blonde can you be, you ask? very. it took us about three hours (and four guys - have to say my friend Mike was my hero that night {and my brothers who were true gentlemen}) to TRY to pull or push or assist it driving out (with the use of wood boards under the tires) to no avail. finally had to admit defeat (and because the tow truck my car's roadside assistance flagged wasn't going to be able to make it until ~1 am) and have the tow truck come back in the morning. yes it was awkward and the cute comments by the staff guy who just sat there and watched didn't help. the tow guy was very helpful and showed us what to do next time (well, hoping there ISN'T a next time).

and yes, the ballpark staff does make comments about it. good thing I'm a good girl who can laugh at herself (although the guy who just sat there that night I finally told him that he wasn't helpful and I didn't want to hear any more comments).

* so that was thursday. saturday I discovered the front driver's side of my car had been egged. well, seemed more like egg castoff but still, it required a good scrubbing and a second wash and some hand drying. thankfully no harm no foul. but my poor car. what I seem to do to it...

* so I went to purchase a new phone last week (my dad needs mine and I was going to buy one eventually anyway)...well big surprise but they're out. everywhere it seems. anyway, it's not a big deal but I dunno, I was feeling mighty stupid standing there. and if you know me I don't do well with feeling stupid. my dad looked in Dallas but they were out there. finally just ordered it online. will be a few weeks before it comes in but again, all's well that end's well.

* so today has already started off being a little off. woke up crying in the middle of the night because of a bad dream but this morning I can't really remember the part that *made* me wake up sobbing (although I know it was one of those things where you're crying in the dream and you actually have to make yourself wake up in order to get out of it and find that you're actually crying there too - that part I do remember). regardless I woke up sniffly and congested and not a little bit puffy. so I got my coffee but still got off the elevator at work on the wrong floor. even took me a good 20 seconds to realize I was on the 4th floor instead of the 5th. just one of those "distracted" moments that will follow me throughout the day. (good thing there's nothing going on tonight!)

Awesome

* getting $0.10 off my coffee because I brought in my reusable cup? I dunno, I'm scrambling for stuff.

* getting to go to the ballet in Oklahoma this weekend to see Cinderella with a friend. fun road trip with someone I like to hang out with AND dressing up to see the ballet in another state? sign me up. oh wait, already done.

I'm excited, can't you tell?

* found $20 on the street. lunch money!

* baking another round of ketogenic pumpkin spice bread. it's amazing. just be-tee-dubs. tastes almost exactly like gingerbread.

* got through at least 5 years worth of old clothes at least. gave some to Charlotte. gave some to mom. the rest are getting donated. and now you can actually walk in the closet in the second bedroom (well, at least you will be able to after I drop off the clothes). it's good to get that stuff out. especially because most probably wouldn't fit anymore anyway! regardless....finally time to get rid of stuff I definitely don't need. ciao baby.

sorry this is technically a Friday post, but heck, good enough for me. 

Five Things Tuesday

Another oldie...

* Capsule wardrobe. Yay or nay? Might be a good idea for a creature of habit like myself. Any thoughts?

* Heavy whipping cream. It's pretty much AMAZING! Try it in your tea sometime, it's worth it. Major points if you add some sugar-free syrup too...

* I think I've found my new favorite activity - canoeing. Yes my shoulders and hips are still sore but I got to see some beautiful scenery and enjoy a lovely day outside. If that doesn't sound fun to you then....I can't help you. (Although it was more a leisurely activity than say competitive rowing...although that could be cool too)

* I did something I NEVER thought I'd have the guts to do....I joined a kickball league in my area. Yeah. You heard me. Actual kickball LEAGUE..with competitive games and everything! Now kickball wasn't my specialty growing up (kicked more with my shins than my feet) but it just seemed like something FUN to do and a way to meet people without the weirdness of say, a bar or other well-known avenue of socializing that can be *majorly* awkward for someone like me. No clue how it'll go but it'll be a new experience (right up there with cliff jumping...).

* Did you know that in "Be Prepared" in The Lion King was actually sung by Jeremy Irons (voice of Scar)…but only until a certain spot? Apparently he strained his voice on a particular note and was unable to finish. Jim Cummings replaced him for the rest of the song. Which is cool because, unless you're looking for it, you might not even notice that the singing voice is slightly different. Once you know it's simple to spot but otherwise, no one would know. Pretty impressive Mr. Cummings! Can you spot the switch??