Struggles

Why hello old friend. It's been a while. I don't intend to "bring back" my blog, but I have something I need to say, and it seemed easier (and less obtrusive) to put it here instead of Facebook. :)

So to quote my friend Rheeny – “real talk”. I hate my body. I always have, and sometimes I’m afraid I always will. I’m not saying this to get sympathy but it’s the truth. I hate the size of my chest, of my flab, of my constant acne, even how my hair looks. I’ve always struggled with my body image, even from a young age, but I had gotten to a point where I had made a sort of peace with it. But this new phase of my life, all the new changes - marriage, moving, new job, new city - has thrown off any semblance of any “work-life” balance I used to have. Don’t get me wrong, being with Clarke is nothing short of a God thing and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But I’m struggling. I’m writing this to be transparent about it. Days like today is when I miss my old job, my old life, my friends, my trainer. Heck I even miss the 5 AM workout days. I hate the struggle of getting through my workday, of feeling off and gross and miserable, the early darkness, of always needing to think of meals, of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, hating how I look in clothes, of spending money to try to combat that, of feeling like a failure because I don’t want to do dishes or clean…wanting to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and sob.

This isn’t an everyday struggle, most days I’m fine. But I’ve been experiencing these darker moments more than I would prefer and I hate it. I have no reason to be this miserable, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m at that point.

I hate myself at this moment, hate my body and how I feel in it. I hate that I can eat pretty healthy during the day but completely plummet at night. How I feel there’s no way I’m eating that badly to continue gaining weight, but somehow the number on the scale says that I am.

You would think I would learn by now that the scale is my worst enemy. This life-long struggle of hating myself and my body makes the number on that device ten thousand times worse than it should be. I should get rid of it, but the fact is I feel miserable even without it, so in a way this little tangible number helps ground me – maybe it just keeps me in this cycle of misery but I also feel like it gives me a reason to try and change.

I wasn’t going to say anything, I was just going to try to just do better, but it’s not working. Putting my struggle on the internet seemed easier than having it run through my head over and over and over again. It feels like a way to put a little distance between myself and my thoughts. Because I’m feeling a bit lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore…which is probably not a new story, but hopefully just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t intend on sitting here and wallowing forever, but the truth is I’m struggling to be consistent. To finding a new workout routine, of finding meals I can just make and eat over and over again, because I’m burned out on most food. Honestly, if I could find a way to stop needing to eat ever again, I’d take that in a heartbeat. But I can’t, my body won’t allow it, so the struggle continues.

I’m not sure where I wanted to go with this – cause I’m not past this misery. I’m in the middle of it, but hopefully putting it out there, being transparent, will help me make peace with myself and help me push past this fog and make real tangible changes. It might not happen until after the holidays but maybe, just maybe, it’s the start I need.

I apologize for the LONG post, but sometimes you have to just put it out there and start fresh. If you got this far, you’re a saint for dealing with my melancholy. Soon I hope I can come back and say that’s better, that I’ve found my new normal, and that I found myself again. If you have any tips, I’m all ears. :)

Week 2

Okie doke people, here are the numbers for this week:

Monday - bought myself lunch because I forgot to grab something out of the fridge on my way out. 

Tuesday - breakfast smoothie because again, I had nothing to eat. And then I spent $13 to get the old shellac taken off because, let's be honest, it's faster and probably better to have someone do it for me than spending hours at home doing myself. 

Wednesday - another breakfast smoothie (which my trainer may not have approved of but I'm not allowed to eat my protein bars anymore ;)). Also another lunch (still haven't gone to the store) and a gift card for my co-worker's birthday - but let's be honest, she's more like my work-wife. 😁

Thursday - Groceries at Walgreens for breakfast (Greek yogurt and a shake), and some cashews for a snack. 

Friday - bought lunch for my co-worker for her birthday since we weren't able to go on her birthday due to a family emergency. Also some Star Trek stamps - I couldn't resist. 🖖🏻 and paid $30 to attend my church's fall retreat at the end of October (I couldn't go last year). 

Saturday - I'm not counting groceries because I consider them necessities, but I did pick up some new nail polish since mine has gotten thick and doesn't work as well anymore.

Sunday - After I finished meal prep, I realized I couldn't bring all my mom's Tupperware with me, so I ran out to grab some of my own, also a lunch bag and some coconut oil.

So far, not much difference in my purchases but let's keep going, shall we?

Week One

So, as it is apt to happen, pretty much the evening after I posted about my desire to stop spending money, that I discovered that I was out of at least 4 of my essentials - I should have known that would happen. Sometimes life's sense of humor is seriously irritating.

Without further ado, here's what I ended up buying this weekend:

Saturday - I had time to kill between dropping off my sister at a volunteer event and picking her back up, so I had to go pick up a couple of my essentials that I discovered I was actually needing - mascara and concealer. Granted, I used a gift card for that but I consider it buying what I didn't absolutely need. 

Then it was to the UPS store where I had to pay $1 for taping for a return I was mailing back - kind of a racket but they do know how to capitalize on a person's need.

After that it was stopping at Walgreens to pick up facial pads (more things I had just run out of - although I probably had some in one of the boxes I have yet to unpack but convenience trumps time I suppose).

Next it was some fast food from McDonalds - because I had been craving fries ALL AFTERNOON. 

Later that evening I had this intense desire for Starbucks (the fiend!). I had to refill my card because I was like $1.50 short of what it cost and it will only let you pay $10 at minimum *eye roll*. 

Oh and I had to purchase a new shirt because my favorite one ripped under the arms (which irritated me to no end) but I found one at a discount so with tax it was $20-ish.

I did make one other return so that alleviated my pain a little. 

Sunday - Lunch with my Sunday School group - I think I spent $8 on pizza and a drink. 

Actually, that was it - and a few of those things were almost-but-sorta-not-necessities. Maybe having to put it on here is actually going to work....but we'll see. ;)

Hello Again

Why hello the-one-person-who-will-read-this-post! It's been a while, but honestly there's only been a few things to talk about lately. I moved to a new apartment, cut my hair (shortest it's been since the end of high school), and officially have been at this job a little more than one year.

And even though it hasn't been incredibly exciting around here, work and life keep me busy. But I honestly only came here because I find if I put this on the internet, I'm more likely to keep with it (even though no one will probably read it).

Here's the thing. I've been spending way too much money lately, I feel like I'm hemorrhaging money. Some of it is for the necessities - rent, food, car payments, gas, you get the idea. But there have been other things, things I could live without. I had to buy a new pair of pants for work because my usual pair wouldn't stay up (the zipper would fall down even if I breathed too hard). And they were only $38, but after a point it just starts to add up. 

I just agreed to pay $50/session for a month for personal training, which I've been wanting for a while and I think it's worth it, given the wedding I'm in soon and just overall wanting to get serious about my fitness. But it's made me realize I need to cut down on other things if I want to do that.

It's hard to describe why I've been spending too much - it's almost like an itch. Plus add some gift cards from my birthday (which a few things have been purchased with but now I'm starting to feel overwhelmed) and I feel like I'm just looking for things to buy. 

So I need a refresh. Time to go back to the beginning and reset my brain a little. Which is why I'm here right now. I need some sort of "accountability" to keep myself from doing this - and jump start my blogging again I suppose. I want to come back every week (maybe every Sunday or Monday) and post what I bought/what I resisted. I'm sure the one-person-who-will-read-this will be oh so thrilled by my consumerism, but I'm starting to feel a little worn out (and not just from the 6 AM personal training session today that has left my legs feeling like jello). So bear with me a little, if you wouldn't mind.

Thanks one-person-who-reads-my-blog! I appreciate you humoring me some, at least until I feel like I've stopped this habit from getting worse.

Awkward & Awesome

Oh boy, it's been a while (I say that a lot, don't I?)....

Awkward

* Getting your ID gawked at because you don't look your age on your ID...not once, but TWICE at the same place. Yeah, I know, I look young but chilllll out... I will admit part of me enjoys it but it can get old sometimes (pun  intended).

* Basically getting followed around at said place because, oh look, you're the only ones in the store and they obviously have nothing else to do. Bonus for them, we ended up buying more than we planned - cause the up-sell is king....

* Wondering if your refillable bottle's lid would break if you dropped it - because it doesn't feel like glass - and then proceeding to do JUST THAT and discover that, yes, yes it will break. (I had to order a new bottle smh).

* Squirting your water enhancer right in your eyes - because it hit a piece of ice just right and of course that's where it just had to go.

* Going to the gym, lifting weights, doing 15 minutes on the stairclimber, deciding to go upstairs to finish on the treadmill, forgetting that your legs now weigh a ton and when you now attempt to run up the stairs, you totally lose your footing - in front of 2 guys who totally saw you. So what happens? You finish your run up the stairs like nothing had happened. (nice recovery, no?)

Awesome

* Basically the whole "living in Houston" thing was the right decision. Loving it all. Loving how the Lord made that work out.

* Things have been pretty normal recently. Getting into a groove at the new job, enjoying the 3 straight days per week of bible studies, heck, having friends even! It might be kind of boring but its nice to have a routine of your very own. No complaints I suppose.

As usual, more awkward things than awesome things to recount, but hey, that's just how life is, full of unexpected and yes, awkward things. And it's pretty great.

Awkward & Awesome Thursday

Wow. It's been a really long time since I've posted here, huh?

Life just has a tendency to get away from you when you least expect it. The days last forrrrrrrrrrever yet the months just speed by!

(On another note, how is it already the middle of August????)

Anyway this post might be lacking in Awkwards cause right now things are pretty good. Maybe next week (ha, if I remember to write then) I'll have some stuff to say. (We can try though)

Awkward

* Realizing I probably shouldn't be listening to Chopin's Nocturne for Piano in B Flat Minor Op. 9 No. 1 at 11:24 at night because I am feeling really sleepy...and I'm only 4 minutes into the song. (Its beautiful but now I'm tired - which is why I then skipped Op. 9 No. 2!)

* Tripping over your own feet. On carpet. When less than 2 steps ago you were walking just fine. D'oy.

* Realizing your pant leg (really. only one leg) is super long because the hem is completely undone. Like, I didn't know my pants had an extra 3 inches! Thankfully, staples to the rescue! (What, like you've never done that before? - side note: when you do that, if you can find a sharpie in the color of your outfit that you just stapled together [better if it's black] then you can color the staple and it'll conceal it better than just you sitting there with a giant piece of silver staring you at the face)

* Trying to park by a curb - that's curved. Trust me, you will look like an idiot because you WILL keep adjusting the tires.

Awesome

Now here's where the good stuff starts. *deep breath*

* I officially got a new job in Houston AND

* I moved down to Houston. LAST WEEKEND.

It's still like, super surreal.  I've only been talking about doing this for years and years and years. And then it all happened in like, 2 months. Amazing how God's plan just comes together with ease.

* Having two roommates that are in the same "life stage" as me (and who can enjoy both company and down time - okay some wine helps too) is really a blessing. Yes it's weird to share a bathroom again, but really, less than 1/16th of my life is spent in the bathroom - it's not a big deal - but having a place to just come home, chill if I want or don't, is a nice thing to have.

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT PLEASED ABOUT THE COCKROACH THAT'S CURRENTLY OCCUPYING MY ROOM

*AHEM*

* My job is insane (in the sense that it's super busy) but it's really nice to be with more people. Yes it's still the same type of work in a law firm but it's just BIGGER. There are actually people to see and talk to (and the lady sitting on the other side of the filing cabinet is a hoot and a half) and it's just a great atmosphere. I am so glad I did this.

It just goes to show you that sometimes you just have to wait for the Lord's timing. Cause when it's time...*BOOM!* it just happens!

* I'm super close to EVERYTHING now. You want to do something late at night? SURE I can come cause I only live 15-20 minutes away! And there are 4 grocery stores like in a 5 block radius! And a 24Hour Fitness! TWO OF THEM (although yeah, sure, one is farther away than the other). It's just awesome and it's still not real to me. It probably won't be for months.

But I'm excited about the future now. I feel like I maybe really am a grownup. Or at least, getting better at pretending to be a grown-up...we'll see. :)

Well, that should be a good enough recap of the last couple weeks. We'll see what happens next!

Ciao!

Awkward & Awesome Thursday

(You wouldn't believe how long it took to write that title! Guess I forgot how to do it!)

Anyyyyy-way.... I do believe I cannot remember the last time I wrote a post. Truly, that is the saddest thing I've heard myself say. BUT I might be able to pull some stuff out today so on we go!

Awkward

* Not remembering any to write down although I'm totally sure I have some....

* I took CR to Whataburger before bible study yesterday and ordered a burger only (no fries). Well, my order comes out and there are fries on my tray AND the receipt is right there - no fries. I tell him that I didn't order them. He just looks at me and says, 'oh well'.  I ask the guy to take them back because I didn't order them. He kind of stares me down and asks if I'm serious. I mean, yeah, I am, cause if you leave them there I will DEFINITELY eat them. So he takes them and gives them to an employee on duty.

But then, I start to wonder. The guy who took our order (not the same guy) was definitely* flirting...and ohmygosh was that supposed to be something more than an "accidental" addition of a side dish? Cause now I feel bad.

Of course, I could be delusional. That has been known to happen... (probably so).

Awesome

* GETTING A TAN. Well, it's more like a light burn but it's actually noticeable these days (to the point where I've had multiple comments on - which might be a bit sad too, but let's pretend it isn't).

* Having a weekend (or two) off. I know I'm coming across like a broken record to those who have heard this a million times already (I wish I could say that was an exaggeration...) but after, quite possibly, a month and a half of nonstop plans and my weeks being massively over-scheduled, I actually have 2 weekends in a row without plans (church on Sundays don't count). For me, the such-a-mega-introvert-that-it-borders-on-insane person, it's like a dream come true. 

Don't get me wrong, I love that I actually have PEOPLE TO DO STUFF WITH and I do truly like having plans.... but after a while I get worn out. It'll be nice to have a lazy Saturday (or two) to recharge until I have plans again (at the end of the month).

* I know I just said I was looking forward to time off, but this doesn't count, cause I'm really looking forward to a girls night with some of the ladies from the church group on Friday! True, I'm not "alone" but I do prefer small groups over large events (although this last one was great) so I'm excited to have some chill time. It's nice to have a group of girls I really enjoy spending time with and you can't go wrong with some downtime at the pool (and the hot tub!)

* The Singles Group Surfside Trip last weekend was AMAZING. It was definitely more relaxed and we were RIGHT on the beach. The weather was beautiful and the water was pretty nice (even for the Gulf!) and we got to take walks on the beach (and a nap). It was a great way to end my month of weekend plans. (What did I tell ya, broken record over here...)

Hey, look-y here. I *sorta* have a post! Whooooooop.

Anyway, I'll try to remember to write down more "A&A" things so I can actually justify having this little old blog...

Ciao!

*Also known as, I'm terrible recognizing flirtation. It's true. Poor guy...