Struggles

Why hello old friend. It's been a while. I don't intend to "bring back" my blog, but I have something I need to say, and it seemed easier (and less obtrusive) to put it here instead of Facebook. :)

So to quote my friend Rheeny – “real talk”. I hate my body. I always have, and sometimes I’m afraid I always will. I’m not saying this to get sympathy but it’s the truth. I hate the size of my chest, of my flab, of my constant acne, even how my hair looks. I’ve always struggled with my body image, even from a young age, but I had gotten to a point where I had made a sort of peace with it. But this new phase of my life, all the new changes - marriage, moving, new job, new city - has thrown off any semblance of any “work-life” balance I used to have. Don’t get me wrong, being with Clarke is nothing short of a God thing and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But I’m struggling. I’m writing this to be transparent about it. Days like today is when I miss my old job, my old life, my friends, my trainer. Heck I even miss the 5 AM workout days. I hate the struggle of getting through my workday, of feeling off and gross and miserable, the early darkness, of always needing to think of meals, of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, hating how I look in clothes, of spending money to try to combat that, of feeling like a failure because I don’t want to do dishes or clean…wanting to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and sob.

This isn’t an everyday struggle, most days I’m fine. But I’ve been experiencing these darker moments more than I would prefer and I hate it. I have no reason to be this miserable, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m at that point.

I hate myself at this moment, hate my body and how I feel in it. I hate that I can eat pretty healthy during the day but completely plummet at night. How I feel there’s no way I’m eating that badly to continue gaining weight, but somehow the number on the scale says that I am.

You would think I would learn by now that the scale is my worst enemy. This life-long struggle of hating myself and my body makes the number on that device ten thousand times worse than it should be. I should get rid of it, but the fact is I feel miserable even without it, so in a way this little tangible number helps ground me – maybe it just keeps me in this cycle of misery but I also feel like it gives me a reason to try and change.

I wasn’t going to say anything, I was just going to try to just do better, but it’s not working. Putting my struggle on the internet seemed easier than having it run through my head over and over and over again. It feels like a way to put a little distance between myself and my thoughts. Because I’m feeling a bit lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore…which is probably not a new story, but hopefully just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.

I don’t intend on sitting here and wallowing forever, but the truth is I’m struggling to be consistent. To finding a new workout routine, of finding meals I can just make and eat over and over again, because I’m burned out on most food. Honestly, if I could find a way to stop needing to eat ever again, I’d take that in a heartbeat. But I can’t, my body won’t allow it, so the struggle continues.

I’m not sure where I wanted to go with this – cause I’m not past this misery. I’m in the middle of it, but hopefully putting it out there, being transparent, will help me make peace with myself and help me push past this fog and make real tangible changes. It might not happen until after the holidays but maybe, just maybe, it’s the start I need.

I apologize for the LONG post, but sometimes you have to just put it out there and start fresh. If you got this far, you’re a saint for dealing with my melancholy. Soon I hope I can come back and say that’s better, that I’ve found my new normal, and that I found myself again. If you have any tips, I’m all ears. :)